there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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