a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It's like God shit irony all over that family
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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