he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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