why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
