I just saw a hot homeless man
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
