I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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