last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
