Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
