I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
