I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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