nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
