So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
