Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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