The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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