So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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