i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
