She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
