$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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