I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just pee around me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
