What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
