I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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