I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
