Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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