guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
