Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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