im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
