His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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