420 ftw
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize