I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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