Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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