Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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