please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
