you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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