I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
