just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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