I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
