I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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