That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
