I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
