Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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