i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
