I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
