just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
