i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
