Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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