The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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