Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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