you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
