my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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