we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
