Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
