Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
