So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize