she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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