some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
