I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
