I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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