Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
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How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
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When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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