Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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