matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
